I SEE YOU!

Recently I have been wanting to say so much about Ahmaud Arbery, Christian Cooper, and George Floyd but I have held back, afraid to say the wrong thing or have my words and thoughts seem meaningless on a Facebook post. When I read and listen to the news about Ahmaud, Christian, and George instantly my friends faces appear in my mind Brian, Joe, Cornell, Bill, David, Reggie…

I can’t keep silent anymore. My silence isn’t helping. I decided to post my thoughts here because I have always said that my blog is a place of honesty and I show my true struggles.

When the story was shared on the news about Ahmaud, months after he was killed, I was shocked and angry. I instantly thought about the 100s and 100s + runs I had been on and no one had every stopped me, questioning why I was running in a particular neighborhood. I often drive to different neighborhoods to run and I have never been questioned. And I thought back to the construction sights I have passed on my runs and praised God when I have seen a porta potty that I could use. Too many times to count the number of times I have entered a construction sight and used a porta potty without being stopped or questioned (yes, I always looked for security cameras). I have never run in fear, even at night in Central Park. No one should run in fear! I see you Ahmaud!

When the story of Christian Cooper was shared, I watched the video and thought to myself this woman is crazy and how was Christian threatening her? I did post on social media after her job fired her and I applauded them but then my focus went to the dog and how she was handling her dog in the video. I apologize for that; I took the focus off the real victim Christian Cooper. I see you Christian.

Yesterday, my friend Brian wrote a post on Facebook to his white friends and family…” Do you see me? Do you really see me?” it brought me to tears as I read it. Brian is a husband, a father, a brother, a friend…I see you Brian!

I can not stand in your shoes; I cannot begin to understand how you feel but I can stand with you. This has to stop. I am sorry, I hear you, and I SEE YOU!!

My goal for the fall of 2020!

Two weeks ago when I wrote my last post I shared some updates in my life and also shared that I had a new goal I wanted to attack and I needed to wait for my coaches blessing before I shared it with the world. A few of you asked me what that goal was so now I am sharing it with all of you because I believe that if you put it out into the universe, there is no going back and you have to work as hard as you can to try and achieve it.

Like so many of you, I am sure, many of my races have been cancelled or changed to virtual events. I have participated in three virtual races so far. And as much as it is fun to change up your training and do a virtual race, I miss the excitement of being around other competitors, hearing the crowds along the course, reading the signs of encouragement that make me laugh so often, and seeing your time as you cross the finish line.

This summer I was scheduled to complete four triathlons, two sprints, an Olympic distance, and the Tupper Lake Tinman 70.3. As of today, two of the four have officially cancelled in person races and I have decided to defer those until 2021. On June 27 I was scheduled to complete the Tupper Lake Tinman. I completed the race last year and I loved the course and the event! Last year I had a great time but I wanted to go back stronger and ready to attack the course. When they announced the event would be cancelled due to Covid 19, they offered each participant the option of doing a virtual race or deferring their entry until 2021. I decided I couldn't do this one virtually and deferred my entry.

As soon as they cancelled this race I decided to set my sights on my fall marathon, the Hartford
Marathon in October. Yes, I still had two sprint triathlons on the schedule and if those continue as planned, I will compete, but they are not my big goals. The Hartford Marathon is my goal! Yes, I have completed a marathon before, five to be exact, but during this race it is my goal to finally complete the 26.2 course in sub five hours!!

My last marathon, The Wineglass Marathon in October 2019, I took 16 minutes off my time, completing the course in 5 hours and 12 minutes. It is my goal to complete the Hartford Marathon in under five hours! When I shared this with my coach she was very excited for me. She shared a story of the first time she qualified for Kona. She set her sights on only one Ironman, Lake Placid, and all of her training went into that race. She believes that focusing on this one race will have me crossing the finish line in under five hours!!

About a week in a half ago I completed two virtual races in one weekend. A Duathlon on a Saturday, the Cinco de Duo and the annual Mountain Goat 10 miler on a Sunday. As we were approaching the weekend my coach was going over my game plan and how I should approach them. After she shared the plan she stated, once this weekend is over, we will have a recovery week and then we are heading into marathon training! I could feel her excitement as she typed those words, and I think I even heard an evil laugh, which scared me a bit (just kidding I didn't hear an evil laugh). But she is ready to get me focused on my goal, to be confident at the start line, and cross that finish line completing what I set out to do!

So I am begging everyone...wash your hands, wear your masks, stay at home or at least 6 feet apart as much as possible, and PLEASE GOD LET THIS RACE HAPPEN!!!

Keep moving forward! Stay Strong!

2020 The Year of the Rat

April 24 became a day filled with change. Some I was prepared for, other changes I was not. On April 24 the school I had been attending for 3 years working toward my doctorate officially closed. The following Monday, April 27 I started at a new school...didn't skip a beat...there is work to be done. Well I skipped a few beats as I tried to figure our the University's online system but I kept moving forward.

On that same day, April 24, I was "furloughed" from my job at Ithaca College. I put the word furlough in quotes because unlike other furloughs I do not have an anticipated return date. Seven plus years of passion, pride, endless hours, constant travel, taken away.

Since that day I have been on an emotional roller coaster, I have been upset, I have been MAD, but I will be Okay. My future will workout and I will figure it out. I have reminded myself on countless occasions that I am strong, I am smart and I believe. And most importantly, I am an IRONMAN!!

During this pandemic, many institutions have been on hiring freezes leaving few options as far as job openings are concerned. However, I have had some opportunities to apply and I will not quit! I am a survivor and I will land on my feet because I believe.

Earlier in the week a friend that I met through Ithaca College called me and reminded me that 2020 is the year of the Rat for the Chinese New Year. I had to laugh because I am not a huge fan of rats. She explained that it was the first animal in the cycle so it signifies a new beginning. So many people are going through tough times and change but change can be positive, it can be a new beginning! So here's to the year of the Rat!!

This is also the week on Facebook that memories come up about a half marathon I have done a few times in Rochester. It is the Flower City Half Marathon. A race that I love for so many reasons. The first time I did this race was 2010. It was my comeback race. I signed up for the race as a goal to get me off the couch. In 2008 I had an ankle injury that ended with surgery. It took about a year to heal with PT and other issues but instead of getting right back to running in 2009 I got right back to the couch. I was in a funk and I did nothing. So I made the decision late in 2009 early 2010 that I would run the half in Rochester. I completed the half in 3 hours and 26 minutes and I was the last person on the course!! Two years later (2012) I went back to do the race again and I completed it in 2 hours and 55 minutes and this time I waited for the last person to finish the race. I went back again in 2017 because I love that race and PR'd the course and had a personal PR. In April of 2018 I did a half marathon in DC, The National Women's Half Marathon. I PR'd that day, finish time of 2:21:21...a time I have not been able to beat since! I keep trying but it hasn't happened yet...someday!

I share these stories because these races remind me of who I am, I am a fighter...I am determined and I will finish a race no matter how ugly it looks!! What doesn't kill me only makes me stronger. So these bumps in the road, transferring schools and being "furloughed" will not kill me, no they will make me stronger!!

I choose to be stronger because of life's unavoidable disappointments. As races have been cancelled one by one this season, you often ask yourself what am I training for? I train for life to stay strong and to be ready when the start lines are open again. But I also look at it as yes, a race has been cancelled and I am disappointed that so many goals can't be reached this year, but I will adjust the sails and follow a new path to a new goal.

Just last night I sent a new goal to my coach that I hope to focus on over the next 5 + months.  I am hoping that she doesn't think I am nuts. I am excited to see where this journey will take me! I will share this new goal with you as soon as she gives me the green light!!

During this uneasy time, fear of getting sick, fear that your loved ones will be sick, losing a job, switching schools, not being able to see friends and family, my emotions are running high and low. However, I can't lose faith and I need to believe we will come out of this better and stronger than before. I can not give up on school, I have worked too hard. I can not let a "furlough" define me, I am better than that. I still have goals to achieve! I will become stronger because of life's unavoidable disappointments!

Stay Strong! Stay Healthy! Keep Showing Up!!

Continuing the Journey

Crisis...uneasiness...the new normal...these are words to describe the world where we are all presently living. The world is experiencing a pandemic and we are all trying to survive. We are working from home and practicing social distancing. Our moods change from day to day. One moment we are fine and will embrace this "new normal", the next moment it is wicked quiet and you feel like the only person on earth.

You can read articles like, "The 5 Best Ways to Survive Social Distancing" or "How to Work from Home when Everyone is Home" or "It's Okay Not to be Perfect". No matter how much you read or how many press conferences and coronavirus updates you watch, no one has the one right fix for everything. Everyone must deal with this in their own way and we all must respect that.

The first week I was working from home I was nervous about getting things done and working hard enough. Prior to Covid-19, I would do my work at the office and then at 5 or 6 pm I would grab my school work and head to the library or another space on campus to work on assignments for school. I rarely brought anything home because I knew I would not get things done. Now I had to figure out how to do my day job and my school work all from the same place in my house, and it is hard.

I find myself tired, so tired by the end of the day. Like it takes so much energy not to talk to yourself when you are alone in your apartment every day. I try to follow the advice of others and stick to a schedule but I end up changing the schedule every day. Trying a new routine thinking that will work better. I love to make "to do" and cross things off, but I find that so much is left on the list every day. I do my work...or in the words of Bill Belichick, "Do your job"...I promise I am Bill! I get my workouts in too but many days I am pushing myself to get out the door for a run or get on my bike. I miss the pool. Does anyone else feel drained at the end of the day?

I also discovered, during the first week I was home that there are exactly 6 steps to the refrigerator, 8 steps to the tea kettle, and 10 steps to the bathroom from the table where I work. I am trying very hard to stick to my food plan and not eat things just because they are in sight or in the refrigerator. I decided that there is so much I can not control right now that I need to focus on something I can control. The thing I want to control is a constant struggle for me, my weight. I have a goal to lose 8 - 13 pounds. I shared this with some friends for accountability reasons. Now I am sharing it with you because this blog was supposed to be about my journey.

The way I started this blog tonight was not exactly how I envisioned it but I guess sometimes you just have to go with it. I want to share my struggles and journey, in real time, in the hopes that I can help someone else during this "new normal". They say that a dream written down is a goal. So I have shared my goal.

And a goal broken down into steps become a plan and then when you back that with actions it helps to make your dreams come true. So I want to lose 8 - 13 pounds and I would like to see at least 8 by June 27 when I compete in the Tupper Lake 70.3 Triathlon (I hope*) and 13 pounds by the Hartford Marathon in October (I hope*). (*I hope that the races will happen and I hope that I lose the weight).

I am starting off with a few easier steps. I am not always good at drinking all my water, and since I have been home, and it is only 8 steps to the tea kettle, I find myself drinking more tea. So goal one this week is to drink at least 64 oz of water per day. Next fruits and veggies, I need to eat more. Veggies are not my favorite and fruits sometimes are tough...either they upset my stomach or it isn't the first thing I want to grab. I am not good at adding these to my meal prep. So goal two is to add at least two servings of veggies and a fruit to my day. Not super hard but little changes that hopefully will add up.

I have faith and hope that we will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I have faith and hope that we will be able to socialize like normal human beings one day soon. I don't know what the "new normal" will look like but I have faith we will be stronger and better people because we will survive all of this. #weareinthistogether #oneteam

Stay healthy...stay inside...and remember to WASH YOUR HANDS!!

Wasting Time

Over the years I have tried to keep religion and politics out of this blog. Until today, I have to talk about religion a bit in order to talk about other things. Ash Wednesday was February 26th, the first day of Lent. The 40+ days in which Christians all over the world prepare for the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. By Christian standards this is the big one. For Catholics this is where are "Catholic Guilt" really gets tested. This is the time when Christians sacrifice, and give things up.

The sacrifice is supposed to be a type of fasting, it is supposed to help an individual repent. What one chooses to "give up" is supposed to have an impact on that person's life. The sacrifice is supposed to represent the 40 days that Jesus spent in the desert prior to Passover.

Over the years I have given up tea, I know a BIG one! And it was for me and everyone around me! I have given up food or drinks. I have even taken things on instead, such as going to Mass every morning. This of course was easy to do when you went to a Catholic School and Mass started and ended before the bell rang!

This year I thought long and hard about this and I decided I would give up Facebook. Of course, I decided this before a pandemic hit and we were all forced to work from home and keep our "social distance" from people. This has made it difficult to check on friends, to see how things are going etc. When I decided to give up Facebook, I also decided to take something on. What I have taken on is reading a book written by Matthew Kelly called Resisting Happiness. It is published by the group Dynamic Catholic, if that gives you any idea what the book could be about. It is actually a good book and not the first one I have read by Mr. Kelly.

By reading this book and keeping my social distance away from everyone, I have been thinking a lot. And one thing I have thought about is, why did I choose to give Facebook up for Lent? What did I want out of that sacrifice? It is often shared that the Lenten sacrifice is supposed to have an impact on your own life. I am not asking these questions so I can get back on Facebook and give up but to really discover the "Why?". There are about 15 days until Easter and I would rather discover something about myself than just do it to say I did it.

One reason I said I wanted to give up on Facebook is because I found myself spending quite a bit of time on it and wasting a lot of time. I wouldn't define myself a procrastinator, but I waste time and don't get everything done. I try to prioritize what needs to be done; work, school work, and workouts. But I should have plenty of time to get other things done but my "to-do" list is either rushed, I have to say no to doing things, or things remain on the list not touched.

I find myself just scrolling, searching for something, but not finding it. Often, I have to get on Facebook for work. I am an admin for several pages/groups associated with the alumni at IC. During this WFH time, I have jumped on to add a few things and gave myself permission to check on a few people. Once again, I found myself just scrolling after I checked on friends and read a few posts. What am I looking for?

The other day I was listening to a webinar about "Changing your Mindset". It was hosted by the Alumni Office at IC so many of us jumped on during our lunch hour to listen. The presenter was great and informative, but I never got that "aha" moment during the presentation. I don't think it was the individual presenting it was me. It had me thinking again. As I listen to podcasts, TED Talks, and webinars, I find myself waiting to hear something that will move me or give me that "aha" moment but often I walk away not swayed.

Lately, I feel I am always searching but I never find it. I scroll and waste time...I go back to that social media page 10 minutes later thinking I am going to find something different. The big question I have to ask myself as we have 15 days left of Lent, not that I have to end there, "WHAT AM I LOOKING FOR???"

This is what I need to figure out -- I want to do so much, I have so much on my "to do" list and I end up of wasting so much time... This is what I need to work on, wasting time, not shutting people out. Maybe by not wasting time, I will have the time to find what I am looking for!

Stay healthy and safe everyone! And remember to wash your hands!!

Day 82 of 2020

 So after last weeks Blog entry I realized that I had not posted since New Year's day (again I would love a mulligan on this year). I decided to go back and review my goals for 2020 to see how I was doing so far. We are only 82 days in and we have 283 to go (yes I did the math in my head). The best is yet to come, right?!?!

So one of the goals I set for myself was a 100 days challenge and once again doing math in my head I have 18 days left on this challenge. I said I would go "No Sugar" for 100 days, Strength Train for 100 days, Journal/notebook, knit, and declutter. And for the most part I am doing well. I had a few slip ups along the way but I haven't given up.

In regards to the "no sugar" my system is so much better without sugar. And when I say sugar I try very hard not to eat process sugar or anything that lists "sugar" in the first five ingredients. So I try to follow this to the best of my ability. I would be lying to you if I said I was perfect. For example, valentine's day, we had a little party for our students at work and there was so many fabulous treats that I could not resist. However, I paid the price after I ate it.

I will admit I have not incorporated strength training into my life every day but I have been doing in at least 2 times a week. I think it's pretty good for someone who doesn't really enjoy it. I have found it challenging, which isn't a bad thing. I have been knitting, which I love, but there have been a few days I have missed it. However, I leave whatever project I am working on right on the couch so I can pick it up at anytime even for a few minutes.

One hundred days of journaling/notebooking...yes, I have been doing that...every day. I have created a habit I absolutely love and look forward to doing every day. Some days I write on page after page and on other days it could be a paragraph but I am doing it. A friend of mine started this Facebook group/challenge #100daysofNotebooking which of course I joined. This pushed me to do something I didn't do on a regular basis. Yes I have journal-ed in the past but not every day. She has not changed the group to #100DaysofNotebooking and beyond. And yes, I will keep writing.

I never started the declutting challenge. My coach advised me against it...well she advised me against doing so many challenges and said which one could I put off until later? I chose the 100 days of decluttering. However, when lent started I brought reading into my schedule, I read everyday just for a short period of time, but I read. And now that this "self-quarantine" has started, I stared decluttering this weekend.

So even though these goals have not been perfect for the last 82 days I haven't given up!! Which I think is a good thing. Research shows that most New Year's Resolutions are broken after the first month and we are into March!!

I also checked out the list of races I was planning on completing and the list of goals around those. Of course, like many of you, many of my races have been cancelled or turned into virtual races. It is disappointing but we all know it is for the best! This of course means I have to rethink my race goals. I did complete a half marathon in February, it wasn't pretty but I got across the finish line. I missed a four-miler, The Tipp Hill Shamrock Run, due to work obligations earlier this month. Two other half marathons have been cancelled that were scheduled for April and the Mountain Goat 10 miler has been cancelled too which was scheduled for early May. I will still be getting the miles in on the days these races were scheduled but it will be done virtually not on the race courses.

I have Three more sprint triathlons scheduled for May, July, and August and a 70.3 in June. And come October, I plan to run the Hartford Full Marathon. With that being said my A races are now the 70.3 in June and the Hartford Marathon in October. Fingers crossed nothing happens with those races.

My goal for the 70.3 race is to be faster and finish stronger than I did last year. I have been working

hard on the bike to make sure that happens but it hasn't been easy. I just keep pushing myself hoping every day I get a bit stronger and a bit faster. My runs haven't been going my way. I have been struggling out on the road and trying to get the distance. I can't believe how much can change in four months. My times have been slower and it hasn't been fun.

One of my goals was to get out of my head while running. I wanted to end the negative talk and self doubt. I have been working on that slowly. I started going out for runs and not worry about my time or the distance. I have been trying to enjoy running again and just let my body do what it wants. I often say that I love running, and I do, but lately I haven't liked it very much. On Friday, I had a fabulous run with times I haven't seen in a while. I felt great. Today I went out, same route, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. I felt like I was dragging weights with me. So needless to say I am still working on getting out of my head while running! I haven't given up because I want to see the times I saw this past fall or I should say faster times than this past fall.

Well everyone, stay safe and healthy!! Remember to wash your hands and hopefully we will be able to see everyone soon!!

PS: Did you know in the state of NY liquor stores are essential businesses!! Gotta love NY.

2020 -- Can we start over??

I have to admit 2020 has not been going as smoothly as I would like. I was injured in January and ended up in PT. My physical therapists were awesome but it set me back a bit.

Soon after that I received word that the university where I am working towards my doctorate will close the end of April. Being in higher education I have read so many articles about schools struggling, merging, and closing due to low numbers and financial reasons. I just never thought it would hit so close to home. This added some stress and anxiety to my life. It is starting to work out but not what I wanted to deal with as I was entering the last year of my doctoral program.

Now we are facing Coronavirus (COVID - 19). As an athlete it breaks my heart to see so many sporting events, tournaments, championships, and races cancelling. It has affected me personally as two races I was registered to run have cancelled, as of this past week. Professionally the college where I work, like so many others, is closing for a few weeks. We have had to cancel events and travel. And now we are working remotely from home. Restaurants and bars in some states are being forced to close. It is important to control this decease as it is bringing not only the disease and illness but also lots of anxiety and uneasiness to so many.

CAN WE PLEASE GET A DO OVER???

And this is only a few of things I have personally going on. I am about to get a bit personal or very vulnerable I should say. I have been struggling...trying to get into a positive head space. I saw the picture I posted above on Instagram and it made me think. What do I want to accomplish in 6 months. I feel overwhelmed on some days having too many goals or too many things to work on  ... work, school, workouts, my weight...world peace! I can't seem to choose one that is more important than the other.

So I really started to think about what I really want. I shared this with my coach and now I am sharing it with you (I realize I am announcing this but I need some accountability). I want to be happy. In six months I want to be happy. Not being in the right head space has caused me not to be happy. I know you can wake up every day and determine your happiness and I do try that but sometimes the outside sources get in the way. I have never really felt like this before so this is all new to me.

I want to be happy with who I am ... with what I am doing...with what I am accomplishing.

What are my excuses? Why am I holding myself back? Am I letting myself be happy. I once read that Maturity comes when you stop making excuses and start making changes. I am ready to make changes. I know so much affects my happiness... my workouts, my weight, my school work etc I let the negative talk distract me and I end up in my head too much.

I told myself I need to stop talking about it and start doing it. It always comes back to Spirit Mind and Body. The mission/vision/philosophical theory of Springfield College (my alma mater)...If you don't build the body and educate the mind your spirit will crumble. If I want to work towards happiness (my spirit) I need to kick my workouts up a notch...become stronger and lose some weight (Body) and go strong on my research for my dissertation (mind). September will be here before we know it!!

Step One -- I have a problem -- I have a goal

It always leads back to my weight (a constant struggle) and my workouts. I need to get stronger and faster.

Day One was today --- tell you all about it and go out for a run and let myself enjoy it. It was a beautiful day, don't worry about time or distance...just run. I did 6 miles. I still love running but lately I haven't liked it very much.

Keep moving forward.